Mantra for Breaking Screen Time

Ofcom’s 2016 report on screen usage showed that people spend more time online than sleeping . This is because, online world is a part of people’s everyday lives. Social networks, news updates, instant messaging, games: internet provides us with constant activity but silently the new age technology is consuming our relationships: my relationship with myself and with family, friends, and society.

Digital dependency in our lives

  • It can affect your relationships with friends and family: 40% of people in one study said they felt ignored by a friend or relative whose attention was entirely on their smartphone a day.
  • Lack of sleep can lead to health problems, make you moody or reduces your concentration level
  • Using smartphones before going to bed can delay your sleep by at least an 2 hours

Consequences of Excessive Screen Time

There are over 200 peer-reviewed research studies have correlated screen time with  disorders like ADHD, anxiety, depression, increased aggression, and even psychosis. Besides there are common problems such as obesity, social activities, lack of sleep, speech delays,  poor social skills, and investing less family time. Finally it takes a toll on a mental health.

Screens hyper-stimulate kids and create what’s called “mood deregulation.” A screen-tethered, mood-deregulated child would be a child….

  • who is moody and throws fits,
  • who has attention problems and can’t focus
  • who can get aggressive when their devices are taken away.

World has started responding to this cause as an immediate concern. Chinese Health Organization (CHO) has called “Internet Addiction Disorder” as one of the leading medical problems in China, with an estimated 20 million screen-addicted Chinese youth, while South Korea has over 400 tech-addiction rehab centers.

Symptom of Screen addiction in kids

  1. Your child can’t control their screen use

This is “unsuccessful control,” when children have trouble stopping using devices. Even if parents impose limits on screen time, the child fails to deal with this limiting rule and  this is an issue itself.

  1. Loss of interest in other activities

Only thing that motivates/ interests the child is the screen use. All other items and activities like reading books, listening to music, playing with toys and engaging in sports don’t get them excited at all.

  1. It preoccupies their thoughts

Even if the child is not using screen, he/she’s talking about screen usage in various ways. Even in a group of friends more time is spent using screen instead of playing, discussing school or simple conversation.

  1. It interferes with socializing
  • Bringing a phone to the dinner table.
  • Looking at the mobile even if somebody is trying to make conversation.
  • Involved in the cell phone when you are out for dinner, movie, or a family get together or vacation.
  • Not interested in a telephonic conversation with family and friends instead run with mobile phone

When screens interfere with family activities, they could be problematic.

  1. A screen is their mood booster
    If your child comes home after a bad day at school and needs a TV show or game to make him feel better or offer an escape, researchers say it could be a sign of screen addiction.
  2. They’re deceptive about it
    If your child is sneaking a tablet into bed at night or lying about how long they’ve been playing a video game, this is a red flag. 
  1. Your child shows signs of withdrawal
    When it’s time to turn off the TV for bedtime or put mobile devices away for vacation, family get together, or free family time and your child gets frustrated, they may actually be experiencing withdrawal

Role of Parents as a Team

‘Limiting screen time’ is a task which will give best results when parents work together.  So, its essential that partners work with each other first. They must have same understanding about setting rules and following strategies to handle this issue. Parents should be united before the house rules are presented before the children.

Various studies have referred that inter parent conflict only expose our children to unregulated usage of screen. Children, whose parents aren’t together, this can be more difficult. So it’s important to be united for the mental well being and health of your child.

Parents are the Role Model

It’s difficult to encourage your children to cut down on the time they spend on screen if they see you constantly updating your Facebook status or checking electronic gadgets. If the focus is to modify their screen time use, its helps the most when you do the same.

Especially telling your children to shut off their electronics while you’re sitting in front/ or with the electronic gadget, isn’t likely to be effective. With older children it will only make them stubborn and devalue any rules which you plan for the family.  Children will learn more from what you do than what you say.

Let your children see you make the choice of between checking the score of a game instead of responding to Google/ Facebook/ Whats App notifications. Show them how you have learned to treat media as a privilege

Unplug your child

Think!!!!

Take a moment and think of some of the activities you enjoyed in your growing days and how it would be different today. Don’t let your child miss out on those opportunities.

Younger children

With younger children, it’s easy for parents to suggest family days out or activities together that don’t involve technology. Physical activities such as these not only enforce time away from screens but are beneficial for your child physically and socially as well.

As children get older, their lives become more independent from you. Then it becomes difficult for you to control what they do all the time however you can always encourage them to pursue activities away from their screens,. In such condition a D2 method works the best: Dialogue and Discuss. It is essential to have a planned detailed discussion with them describing:

The activities could be followed are:

Individual activity

  • Colouring
  • Playing sport/ Making a local sports group
  • Learning a musical instrument/ Making a local drama group
  • Involve children in some RWA / community activities where they can be can delegated some  activities like : cleaning the society on every 2 Saturday. This will result  things:
    • Give sense of importance,
    • Outdoor activities
    • Have more social interactions
  • Making a plan to call grand parents/ family members on weekly basis to check their health, wishing them on occasions,

How to use D2 method

We must use ‘Dialogue and Discuss’ method to introduce the ‘ House Rule’ for  limiting screen time in the family. D2 method is a complete adult to adult conversation instead of an adult to child conversation. The discussion should be not be instructive in nature, where children feel that indirectly they are being told that they are undisciplined, non obedient, immature. Wherein both the parties: parent and children become 2 confronting groups instead of a team. As a result the complete objective of limiting screen time in the family dilutes. So adopt a modified style of adult conversation.  

Steps to follow

  • Which practices as a parent both of you dislike
  • What kind of changes you want to implement
  • How do they feel about it (Discuss yes and no situation in detail)
  • Include them in making a House Rule Guide
  • Also kind of steps will be taken if the same is not followed

Avoid and follow:

  • Avoid accusation, blaming,
  • Use discussion which could change the situation rather
  • Aviod heated arguments
  • Have fun in the discussion
  • Quote incident when screen time use has hurt you as a parent and also check if children has felt the same some time.

This will help to get parent and children in the same platform and the reason for setting House rule will a want of both the parties.

House Rule Guide

Establish clear rules about electronics

Most children, especially younger teens, aren’t mature enough to handle their electronic gadgets. Establish rules that will keep your teen safe and help your children make good choices with video games, cell phones, TVs, and computers.

*Examples of good rules*:  include having a set time when screens need to be turned off at night and removing screens from bedrooms.

Rule 1: Don’t allow electronics during mealtime

Shut off your TV/ electronics gadgets during mealtimes and don’t allow text messaging or web surfing while you’re eating. Instead, use the opportunity to talk about your day. Don’t let screens cheat your family out of this priceless time.

Rule 2: Hold Family Meetings

Schedule a family meeting to discuss screen time use. Allow your teen to give input about the screen time rules. Address problems and problem-solving together. Make it clear that you want everyone in the family to develop a healthy relationship with electronics.

Rule 3: Share list of family chores among child

Make a Family chores responsibility card even if you have multiple help available at home. This helps them to take responsibility and also takes away screen time. However few could be chosen and should be followed diligently. None of these activities take more than 5- 10 minutes a day.

  • setting dining table,
  • doing bed,
  • folding clothes,
  • filling water bottle

And add your imaginative rules as well….

Conclusion

There could be various disagreements about the level of severity, definition of addiction however its certainly an alarming stage. As a parent this cannot be just a subject of family conversation rather it should be addressed. In such cases its essential to take help of a coach or counselor depending on the condition of the child.

It’s clear that excessive screen time is damaging our children academically and from both a physical and psychological standpoint. The most worrying part as a parent is , our children are missing many activities which are important in nurturing Human with emotions.

Let’s remember

Every child is unique so as parent’s behavior and the family environment.  Hence as a parent we must have a kitty of  tools to ‘Limit the screen time’.  We parents can teach our children to use these screens as an asset which is a privilege rather than a right that is detrimental.

Exercise for better mental health in children

A physically active child is a healthy child.

We all know that physical activity strengthens a child’s muscles and bones, prevents excessive weight gain, and reduces the risk of diabetes and other diseases.

However, physical activity is also beneficial to the mental health of a child. Physical activity allows children to have a better outlook on life by building confidence, managing anxiety and depression, and increasing self-esteem and cognitive skills.

Various research point to the fact that aerobic exercises increase the endorphin level in the brain and make children ‘Happy Children”. Children with Behavioural health Disorder (BHD), autism and ADHD showed less disruptive behaviour and better control over moods. Exercising improved overall mood and behaviour in children and better self-regulation.

Depression and exercise

The relationship between depression and exercise in children and adolescents has been receiving lot of attention in recent times. Kremer and colleagues* investigated the associations between physical activity, leisure-time screen use, and depressive symptoms. The data were obtained from the Healthy Neighbourhoods Study, a cross-sectional survey of 8256 children and adolescents (mean age, 11.5 years) in Australia. The odds of depressive symptoms were lower when there were greater opportunities for the youths to be involved in a sport or other activities at school outside of class, to be very active during physical education classes, and to play on sports teams both at school and outside of school. Youths who were physically active at least 60 minutes per day were also less likely to have depressive symptoms. Lower levels of leisure-time screen use (video game, computer, television) were also associated with lower depressive symptoms in adolescents. (* Kremer P, Elshaug C, Leslie E, et al. Physical activity, leisure-time screen use and depression among children and young adolescents. J Sci Med Sport. 2014; 17:183-187)

A whatsapp chat session for parents was organized and the session expert was Manish Jayal who is a well-known cycling and running coach in Delhi-NCR. Some excerpts from his session.

“Let’s understand what happens during an exercise:

In simple language exercises increases the blood flow in the body and engages all the organs. Exercises can be categorized in to aerobic and anaerobic. The mental benefits of aerobic exercise have a neurochemical basis. Exercise reduces levels of the body’s stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. It also stimulates the production of endorphins, chemicals in the brain that are the mood elevators.

There are a few very basic activities which are required for every human being specially the kids:

  1. Breathing exercises- It strengthens the system with better oxygen utilizing capacity.
  2. Meditation from an early age- this helps in a developing a habit of focusing, thus helping to excel in any kind of activity.
  3. Core building activities.

Now the question of stress: Breathing exercises help in feeding more oxygen to the brain thus helps in removal of stress

Mediation or any form of engaging activity which helps a child in keeping mental and physical focus helps in eliminating toxins which are by products of stress and accumulated in the body gets dissolved.”

Question 1: How to develop good running stamina in children?

Answer: “There are very good modules available online. But I suggest to train through a running coach who has experience in competitive racing. At home you can set targets like below:

  1. Warm up
  2. Light jogging
  3. Set a particular distance and give a target to complete in a particular time.
  4. Set the standard higher. Repeat.”

Question 2: My 14 years old is on a heavier side. He eats right and plays rigorously for 1.5 hours every day. Still he doesn’t seem to lose weight and is slow in his movement. What do I do to increase his agility?

Answer: “if he plays or involves in similar activities every day then you need to change the pattern and put him into cross training as the body must have adapted to the current situation.”

Question 3:  I’m not a runner. How do I calculate my child’s running performance?

Answer: “Note the current time and let him maintain the same for a week. Then give him a target after reducing 5 seconds from the current comfortable time. If he is able to achieve that easily then reduce 5 more in the next round and maintain that for a week and so on. Keeping a log of distance and time and also to see any visible signs of fatigue or pain or soreness is important. Keeping a log of what he has eaten also plays a major role in assessing and improving one’s performance.”

Question 4:  What should the child be eating before work out?

Answer: “A simple one portion of carbs 60 minutes prior to the activity. No later than that. Or if you can calculate, 150 grams of carbs.”

“To answer queries on height related concerns

I have my studies which clearly states that:

  1. Height is decided by genetics
  2. There is a growth plate at the edge of the long bones which helps in getting the height of the body.
  3. The growth plate is soft hence flexible but till a certain age that is maximum 19 years. After that it starts hardening and then there is no impact on the height growth.
  4. What we can do is exercise to keep the blood flowing unobstructed thus giving good feed to the plates and helping the height to grow.
  5. Stretching is very effective tool for height growth
  6. Hopping, jogging, speed skipping ropes and pull ups. Pull ups help in stretching the spine and helping the blood and energy flow.
  7. GET A MEDICAL ANALYSIS DONE TO CHECK ON THE DEFICIENCIES IN THE BODY AND FEED THE NEEDS THROUGH THE FOOD AND IN EXTREME CASE SUPPLEMENTS.”

Courtesy: Manish Jayal. Fitness Expert

 

 

Handling Stress in Adolescents

Stress has significant negative effects on the physical and mental health of people, irrespective of gender, race, and age.Stress occurs when mental, emotional, and/or physical demands increase beyond the regulatory capacity of a person, and the impact may differ depending on the frequency, magnitude, and duration of the stress. While moderate levels of stress can be adaptive, in fact I would even say required for us to push our limits, stress persisting for long periods can have negative consequences on the well-being of a person.

When Akarsh reached class eight his parents started planning his future course of action. Coming from a family of high achievers his father was very clear that his son would go only to IIT and then to IIM or go abroad for a Master’s in Business Administration. School had also scheduled a counseling session for the 13 year olds where they went through an aptitude test to decide on their career goals. Now Akarsh came under tremendous pressure to fulfill the prophesies of the parents and the school counselor! Akarsh wants to be a kid, but he has to think about what he’s going to do 4 years from now.

Shreya’s social life was adding pressure to her. She would see pictures on Facebook and Instagram of her friends all out partying and she was not included and it waspainful. Before all the social media, we didn’t see pictures of everything people were doing without us. This left the once happy-go-lucky Shreya frequently in tears. She would say over and over, ‘I just feel so much pressure! I can’t be myself because I have to act mature.’ She won’t sleep at night because she’s worried about what someone will think of how she acted, and if it will wind up on Facebook.

 

Stress in Adolescents:-

Adolescence is defined as the period between childhood and adulthood, beginning with the onset of puberty and characterized by changes in hormonal levels and consequent physical, psychological, and social changes. Adolescence roughly corresponds to the period between 10 and 19 years though adolescence may extend up to 25 years of age in some cases.Adolescence is a unique and formative time. Multiple physical, emotional and social changes can make adolescents vulnerable to mental health problems. Promoting psychological well-being and protecting adolescents from adverse experiences and risk factors that may impact their potential to thrive are critical for their well-being during adolescence and for their physical and mental health in adulthood.

Adolescence is a crucial period for developing and maintaining social and emotional habits important for mental well-being. These include adopting healthy sleep patterns,taking regular exercise, developing interpersonal skills, problem solving and learning to manage emotions. Supportive environments in the family, at school and in the society are all very important. According to WHO an estimated 10–20% of adolescents globally experience mental health conditions, yet these remain underdiagnosed and undertreated.

There is a strong association between chronic stress and psychopathology in adolescence, with stress linked to depression, anxiety and other problems.

Akarsh and Shreya are just two examples of how our children are getting stressed out every day. There are many reasons for stress in in children, and pressure to perform academically and social media are two main reasons.

 

Reasons for Stress:-

Academic Performance: This is a major cause of stress among children. Coupled with high stake testing system it is a potent cocktail for stress among school goers. Children as young as 7-8 years old are seeing therapists with sleep and anxiety issues.

Over Stuffed Schedules: Activities like sports or art or music should help relieve stress, not add to it. Understand your child and take your cues from him. If your child starts a new sport or music lesson and starts becoming overwhelmed and stressed, it may be too much.

Fewer Healthy outlets for stress: Schools have slashed games periodsand they hardly have two classes in a week. As children go to higher classes those periods are also taken up for completing syllabus or revision work.

Media saturation and viewing adult content: Thanks to the 24-hour news cycle and constant connectivity, kids are exposed at a much younger age to terrifying news stories. And today’s young people see more than their share of violence and adult sexuality packaged as entertainment, often without their parents present, thanks to smartphones and tablets. And the use of electronic devices is skyrocketing.

Bullying and Teasing: As in the case of Shreya, social media plays a major role in this. Putting up messages and comments on social media platform goes viral with one click and stays on with the child for a long time to come.

Faster child development: Kindergarten is the new first grade. Till 30 years back kindergarten was for finger painting and blocks, making friends and sharing food. Today, kindergartners average 25 minutes of homework a day, while first and second graders spend more than an hour in doing home works.

Sleep deprivation: School pressures, after school activity and social mediaaffect the sleep pattern of children. Most children these days have at least one electronic device in the bedroom, which can cut a night’s sleep down by almost an hour. Even slight sleep loss affects memory, judgment, and mood.

Chronic illness: Asthma, obesity and behavioral and learning problems have increased over the years. According to one study ADHD among primary school children in India is 11.36%. We are seeing an increase in the number of ADHD and Autism cases.  Missing school and play activities for doctor’s appointments, side effects from treatment, and not being able to do some things that other children do can be very stressful.

Family disruption: Family issues like parental illness, fight among parents or divorce can really stress out kids.

Parental stress: The family is a child’s stress buffer. But when a family struggles and can’t play that role, a child feels even more tension.

 

How can you tell if your child struggles with stress? You may think you’d know, but that’s not always the case. It often goes unnoticed.

 

Watch for these signs:

  • Acting unusually irritable or moody
  • Unexplained changes in school performance
  • Withdrawing from friends
  • Not participating in activities that he or she used to enjoy
  • Unexplained physical symptoms, like frequent stomachaches or headaches.
  • Sleeping much more or much less than usual
  • Eating much more or less than usual

Everyone experiences stress and anxiety. It’s common, especially in childhood. But is the stress causing disruption in your child’s life? Is it lasting? … If your child has a stressful week, and the anxiety goes away once things have calmed down, that’s normal. But if the stress is significant and frequent or doesn’t go away, that’s when it’s time to seek help.

 

How to Help Your Child De-stress:

  • Keep connected: The greatest way to increase resilience in kids is to stay connected with them. Make sure you have time every day when you put your phones and your devices away, and you’re talking to your kids and your kids are talking to you. While staying connected observe the following:
  • Just be there: Kids don’t always feel like talking about what’s bothering them. Sometimes that’s OK. Let your kids know you’ll be there when they do feel like talking. Even when kids don’t want to talk, they usually don’t want parents to leave them alone. You can help your child feel better just by being there — keeping him or her company, spending time together. So if you notice that your child seems to be down in the dumps, stressed, or having a bad day — but doesn’t feel like talking — initiate something you can do together. Take a walk, watch a movie, kick around a ball, or bake some cookies. Isn’t it nice to know that your presence really counts?
  • Notice out loud: Tell your child when you notice that something’s bothering him or her. If you can, name the feeling you think your child is experiencing. (“It seems like you’re still mad about what happened at the playground.”) This shouldn’t sound like an accusation (as in, “OK, what happened now? Are you still mad about that?”)  It’s just a casual observation that you’re interested in hearing more about your child’s concern. Be sympathetic and show you care and want to understand.
  • Listen to your child: Ask your child to tell you what’s wrong. Listen attentively and calmly — with interest, patience, openness, and caring. Avoid any urge to judge, blame, lecture, or say what you think your child should have done instead. The idea is to let your child’s concerns (and feelings) be heard. Try to get the whole story by asking questions like “And then what happened?” Take your time. And let your child take his or her time, too.
  • Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was experiencing: For example, you might say “That must have been upsetting,” “No wonder you felt mad when they wouldn’t let you in the game,” or “That must have seemed unfair to you.” Doing this shows that you understand what your child felt, why, and that you care. Feeling understood and listened to helps your child feel supported by you, and that is especially important in times of stress.
  • Help your child think of things to do: If there’s a specific problem that’s causing stress, talk together about what to do. Encourage your child to think of a couple of ideas. You can start the brainstorming if necessary, but don’t do all the work. Your child’s active participation will build confidence. Support the good ideas and add to them as needed. Ask, “How do you think this will work?”
  • Listen and move on: Sometimes talking and listening and feeling understood is all that’s needed to help a child’s frustrations begin to melt away. Afterward, try changing the subject and moving on to something more positive and relaxing. Help your child think of something to do to feel better. Don’t give the problem more attention than it deserves.
  • Take it easy: Families are always running from one thing to another. Make sure your kids get regular, unstructured time at home when they can play, rest, read, or do whatever they feel like doing which is fun and stress free. All kids need breaks.
  • Name stress and normalize it: Many younger kids do not yet have words for their feelings. If your child seems angry or frustrated, use those words to help him or her learn to identify the emotions by name. Putting feelings into words helps kids communicate and develop emotional awareness — the ability to recognize their own emotional states. Kids who can do so are less likely to reach the behavioral boiling point where strong emotions come out through behaviors rather than communicated with words.Tell them it’s ok to feel stressed and their body is reacting to it. Give them the reassurance.
  • Stick to healthy routines: Like good nutrition and regular bedtimes. Stress busting food include Greens, Fish, Egg, Carrot, Milk,Yogurt, Soya bean, Nuts and whole grain. Avoid or restrict food like Caffeinated drinks, refined carbs like maida, processed food and sugar .
  • Limit stress where possible: If certain situations are causing stress, see if there are ways to change things. For instance, if too many after-school activities consistently cause homework stress, it might be necessary to limit activities to leave time and energy for homework.
  • Ask your pediatrician: For guidance or a referral for counseling if your child’s stress seems to be persistent and overwhelming.
  • Take care of yourself and Model healthy coping strategies: Get yourself in check emotionally before you take care of your kids. When you ease your own stress, you boost your connection to your children.As parents, you are your children’s first teachers. They watch your behaviors and see what you do when you are stressed out. What are your go-to coping strategies? – Do you like to go to the gym? Knit? Do a crossword puzzle?The next time you use a coping skill, share that information with your child. Say it out loud. “I’m so stressed right now, and I just need a quick break. I’m going to knit for 10 minutes.”

 

There will always be stress, but it’s all about how you manage it. Parents can’t solve every problem as kids go through life. But by teaching healthy coping strategies, you’ll prepare your kids to manage the stresses that come in the future. The earlier your child can learn healthy coping skills, the bigger their repertoire of coping skills will be. With a good set of coping strategies, they can tackle stressful situations successfully.

 

 

‘Last Minute Syndrome’

‘Last Minute Syndrome’ is a condition in which we tend to push the tasks closer to
the finishing time with some self-validating reasons however it often creates chaos
and stress in our life. In return this gives birth to a crucial behavioural problem of
‘Procrastination’ which is an enemy of Time Management.
The Latin word, ‘Pro’ meaning “in favour of” and ‘Cras’ meaning “tomorrow”. It is
defined therefore as “The act or the habit of delaying or putting things off’. No doubt
it is a one way ticket to stress, guilt and overwhelm.
There are certain common symptoms which are often seen in people suffering from
this syndrome are:
1. Frequently texting friends/family at the last minute to cancel plans, often once
the person has already reached the scheduled location.
2. Frequently canceling plans with friends/ family simply because something else
has come up.
3. Frequently texting that you are “running late.”
4. Failing to show up on time at social functions, get together, parties
5. Last minute shopping for a long-planned vacation
6. Consistently leaving plans “loose” or unconfirmed until at the last minute.

Let me share a funny story, which I read in Shamim Rafeek’s website, which he
beautifully linked with procrastination.

Story:
It’s the story of a turtle family. The family consists of Dad, Mom and the Baby turtle.
The Baby turtle was very lazy and always postpones anything and everything assigned
to him.
One day Mom, Dad and Baby turtle go on a picnic. When they arrive at the park, it
appears that it’s about to rain. Mom turtle asks Baby turtle to run home and get an
umbrella so that they can enjoy the picnic as planned, rain or shine.
Baby turtle as always said, " No I can't go, why don't you go and get it? ". Dad turtle
got annoyed and gives the Baby turtle an angry look. With a pale face Baby turtle
finally said, “If I go home and get the umbrella, do you promise you won't start lunch
without me?” Mom turtle assures Baby turtle that they will wait for him before eating.
With this confirmation, Baby turtle leaves. Ten minutes go by and Baby turtle has not
returned. An hour passes. A full day. Neither Mom or Dad turtle have eaten anything

and become very hungry. They wonder what is taking Baby turtle so long, and hope he
is okay.
Finally, Mom turtle says to Dad turtle, “Well, he hasn't come back yet. We might as
well eat something.” At which point Baby turtle pokes his head out from behind a tree
and screams, “If you eat, I won't go! I know you will do this, that's why I was hiding
and watching what you will do! ”

Moral :
It’s a silly story, but there is some important message in this story. The lesson is in
the fact that Baby turtle reminds many of us and our habit of procrastination. His
mom told him they would wait for him, but he chose to hide behind a tree and take
rest. He wasted everyone’s time, and ruined the picnic that was planned, all because
he was lazy and did not take the action required of him.
Why do we procrastinate?
It usually when we have a list of activities and we are unable to choose the order of
the task needs to done in respect of its importance and urgency. Moreover we also
want to avoid certain activities due our habit of laziness, fear to do the task, disliking
the task.
Brian Tracy’s best seller book, "Eat That Frog", gives us various tips to stop
procrastination. He says, our " frog " is our biggest, " most important task ", the one
we are most likely to procrastinate on if we don't do something about it.

Rule 1: if you have to eat two frogs, eat the ugliest one first! This is another
way of saying that if we have two important tasks before us, start with the
biggest, hardest, and most the important one first.

Rule 2: if we have to eat a live frog at all, it doesn't pay to sit and look at it
for very long!
There is a list of tools which will enable you to come out of this ‘Last Minute
Syndrome’. Enjoy them…..

 

Reflection Tool 

Past, present and future, time is the one commodity we can’t get enough of, and money can’t buy. This tool will help you to know yourself and your thought pattern regarding ‘Time’.

Now stop and ask yourself:

  1. What do I really mean when I say “I don’t have enough time?”
  2. How does time move faster for you as you get older?
  3. If you could improve your time management skills, what would you like to do differently?

 

Self Introspection Tool

What matters in your life?

Managing your time – and using the tools – depends very much on what is

important to you. Stephen Covey’s Habit 2 ‘Begin with the End in Mind’ reminds us to look at what we want to achieve in life before we set off to plan for it.

It is useful to look at the different areas of your life.
For eg:

  • List each area in your life or use the suggested areas in this table.
  • For each area, name the roles you play g. in Family you may be a parent as well as a spouse and a child
  • For each role, write what you want (your goals)
  • Finally, to achieve what you want, break it into small tasks you need to carry out
  • Look at the example in this table.

 

 

Area Which roles matter to

you?

 What do you want to achieve? What project(s)

support this goal?

 
 

 

Family

  

 

I am a Daughter

  

I want to support my parents as they get older and show my

appreciation to them

 Create occasions to spend time together

 

·         Plan for the future and have difficult conversations

·         Organize  Diwali  dinner this year
I am a mother
I am a Wife
I am a Grand Mother
I am my own

 

 

 

 

 

Professional

I am a Team member

on Project A

  

 

I make valuable contributions which get me noticed

 List areas where I can make a contribution and list my skills

 

·         Have monthly meetings with my manager to discuss my interests, achievements an opportunities

·         Run weekly project status updates with entire team

·         Develop project management skills through courses and on-the-job experience
I am colleague
I am manager

 

Approach of Time Management

There are two different approaches to time management. One approach is how to squeeze more activities out of the time available.

A second approach shows how to enjoy and savor the time you have in order to enjoy your life.

Whichever approach you choose, the steps described here are practical and time proven. They’ll help you if you put them into action.

Natural Time Rhythm Tool:

This is a self discovery tool is will help you understand your natural time rhythm. Peak productive times and rhythm is different for each of us.

Rate Yourself as:

  1. I love the morning, I get up with lots of energy and I do my best work before noon but then I take a break in the afternoon.
  2.  I love to work in the evenings. Mornings are tough for me – it’s hard for me to get up and get going but I do my best work in the afternoon or evening.
  1. If I have an important project to do, I always try to do it:
  1.  First thing in the morning
  2.  After lunch
  3.  In the late afternoon
  4.  In the evening
  5.  In the very early morning hours
  1.  If I could set my own work day, I’d work from:
  1. 9:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m.
  2. 11:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m.
  3. 2:00 – 7:00 p.m.
  4. 4:00 – 9:00 p.m.
  5. 6:00 – 11:00 p.m.
  6. 9:00 p.m. – 4:00 a.m.
  7. 11:00 p.m. – 7:00 a.m.
  8. Other

Summary:

Some of us are morning people – we are the most productive in the morning. If this is the case, then schedule your most important things in the morning hours. Others are owls – we love to get our work done late at night. If you’re an owl, schedule your most important jobs and thinking activities in the evening

 

Type Casting Children

I remember the moment my son Shaurya was born. He was bawling and it was the cry of a healthy baby announcing his arrival! The nurse commented ‘your son is going to get his way just howling’. When I came home and had more time to reflect on the whole thing, I put her comment aside as foolish.

And yet, in the coming months, when he kept on crying for everything, refusing to sleep no matter how much I rocked him, refusing to eat, refusing to go to school, refusing to leave me even for a few seconds, I couldn’t help thinking he is a cry baby.

Such self – fulfilling prophesies are dangerous. If we label a child as uncooperative, he would start showing how uncooperative he is. If you labelled a child as dumb he starts believing he is dumb.

Have you heard your friends say “My elder one is very sociable, the younger one just keeps to his books.”

“It’s a waste of money to buy anything for Aditya, he just breaks everything”

“Ankita should always have the last word. She is so argumentative”

Have you ever wondered how such a labeling occurred in the first place? After years of hearing what goes on inside families, I can safely say, often times such typecasting happens innocently at home. For instance when Rhea doesn’t like to wear the dress her mother chose for her,she comments, “You are stubborn like a mule.” Another day the father comes home tired and Rhea insists on him going out with her to the mall because she needs a new dress for the dance next day. He in an exasperated tone complains “You are so stubborn”.Yet another time her brother yells at her “Stop being such a pig head” for not handing him the remote because she is watching her favourite cartoon and he wants to watch his favourite show.

Little by little Rhea begins to act ‘stubborn’ and ’pig headed’. If everyone is calling her stubborn, surely that is what she must be.

You may be wondering “Is it OK to think of my child as this or that as long as I don’t call her by that name?” Can the way a parent think about his child even affect the way the child feels about himself?

The answer is yes. Body language is a powerful medium of communication. Sometimes a look or a tone of voice is enough to tell you that you are stupid, clumsy or smart. How a parent thinks of his child has a deeper impact because it’s simple math. Multiply these few seconds by the number of hours, days and years a child spends with his parents.

Is it OK then to over emphasize on the positive qualities? As long as parents are not trying to project their expectations on the child it is OK. If I’m not an assertive person and allow people to run over me but tell my child ‘You are very assertive’ it’s not likely to work. Modeling is an important aspect of parenting.

How do I undo this typecasting of my child? For whatever reason I’ve cast my child in a role, does it mean for the rest of his life he is stuck with it? No. Not necessarily. If you have realized your role in type casting your child then you have already started the process of undoing it. Here is what you can do.

  1. Model the behavior you would like to see

Dad: I dread cleaning the garden after the storm. But I guess I’ll get started from the front and do one area at a time. By evening I can finish the entire garden this way.

  • Be there for your child when he/she feels they have failed. Give them the reassurance, if possible with a previous instance when they performed a similar task successfully.

Mira: Mom I have to submit this article for my school magazine by tomorrow and I can’t seem to go beyond the first line.

Mom: I can understand your frustration. But I do remember instances when you were able to rise up to the occasion. I remember when you were five and you had to make chart for your KG school project. You came out with such beautiful drawings. And the time when you were seven, how your class teacher made you recite the poem you wrote in the assembly. You were quick to think differently in both occasions.

  • Grab every opportunity to show them a new picture of themselves.
  • Let them overhear you saying something nice about themselves. But before that make sure you resist the temptation to type caste them. Otherwise it will send a confusing message to your child.
  • If your child behaves according to the old type casting simply state your feelings. For instance

My daughter was a picky eater as a child and I couldn’t help feeling responsible for it because that’s what I went around telling everyone who cared to listen. So I just decided to tell her that her habit of wasting food was upsetting me. I was upset because so much food was getting wasted and my effort into making it was not appreciated by her.

  • Avoid using ‘always’ and ‘every time’ while you are pointing out an undesirable behavior. When you say “You are always back answering” you are not only role casting your child but also come across as a whiner yourself. It’s enough to say “Don’t back answer.” You are not only avoiding type casting, but also stating clearly what you want.

Bullying

Little Rohan came home crying because someone in the swimming pool locker room had broken his glasses into pieces and thrown it away.

Aman came out of the pool and when he went to change, his clothes were missing from the locker. They were found in the toilet.

Instances such as these are alarming and on the rise in schools and play areas. They leave the parents anxious and worried all the time. Can parents be around all the time guarding their little ones against lurking bullies? Somewhere one has to let go and trust that their child is able to handle the bully on his own.

According to a survey conducted in 2013, in 150 schools in Mumbai and Thane by the Parents Teachers Association United Forum (PTAUF), 70 percent of students experience bullying in school, but only 20 to 40 per cent report it. Seventy percent even admitted to bullying being their pastime.*

What is Bullying

According to Cambridge dictionary “to hurt or frighten someone, often over a period of time, and often forcing that person to do something they do not want to do”

Types of Bullying

  • Direct: This can be physical like pushing, hitting, kicking or taking away things. Verbal like name calling, threatening, psychological intimidation.
  • Indirect: Gossiping, sabotaging, excluding from groups and convincing others to do the same.
  • Cyber Bullying: Threatening, harassing, intimidating using electronic medium

Bullying consists of three main participants:

1. Raja is youngest in a family of six and throws tantrums if his needs are not met. He has a short attention span and gets angry and irritated easily. His mother loses her temper easily and whenever there is a conflict with the adult members at home, she takes it out on Raja more than his brother. Raja’s parents are busy and don’t have much time for the children. What more they complain to everyone about their children. Presence of grandparents doesn’t help the cause as they also complain to the parents about Raja’s behavior. Raja likes to torment his classmates and younger children whenever he finds an opportunity. He verbally abuses them and sometimes snatches their lunch and eats it.

 Raja is a Bully

2. Ankur was a premature baby and was prone to frequent colds. He is small for his age and very sensitive. He is soft spoken and shy and doesn’t make too many friends. He tends to internalize everything and gets upset easily. His mother is over protective of him and his father believes that this molly coddling is only making him weak and wants to toughen him up. Nothing he does seem to please his father. In school, he is run over by everyone practically, but Ankur doesn’t complain for the fear of antagonizing his tormentors.

 Ankur is a victim

3. Sahil is one of many children in his extended family. His older cousins have always teased him and made him do errands. If he goes complaining to his mother, they threaten to never ever include him in their activities. Sometimes he even gets pushed around or hit by his elder brother who is a part of the “grown up gang”. Sahil resents all this and takes out his frustration on his classmates in the school. His teacher keeps complaining to his parents which in turn triggers another round of humiliation in front of his older brother and cousins at home.

 Sahil is a bully victim

Dr Arundhati Chavan, professor at SNDT College and president of PTAUF who led the survey, says, “Bullying leaves a lasting mark. Victims may shy away from the crowd and develop an inferiority complex. Repeated bullying may also make them aggressive and prone to lashing out.”**

What makes a bully?

  • Emotional/developmental/behavioral problems
  • Low academic achievement
  • Negative peer influence
  • Unsafe neighborhood
  • Lack of parental monitoring
  • Corporal punishments by parents, excessive criticism or control
  • Substance use
  • High levels of anger in the child

Who is the potential victim for bullying

  • Being physically weaker
  • Poor social skills
  • Low self-esteem
  • Prone to low moods/depression
  • Maternal over-protectiveness
  • Intrusive or coercive parenting
  • Child abuse

How do I find out if my child is a ‘Bully’

Parents would like to believe that their child can never be a bully. This kind of ostrich behavior only aggravates the situation. It’s important to interact with your children and find out more about their life outside home. If there are indications in your child’s behavior that make you uncomfortable like being defiant, bossing over younger sibling or temper tantrums it’s better to ask the following questions. Not all boys are bullies, but bullying is more common among boys. 🙁

Questions you need to ask to identify if your child is involved in bullying

  • How are things going at school?
  • Does your child enjoy school?
  • Does he have friends at school or in the neighborhood? You can ask for the friends’ names.
  • Has anyone been mean to your child at school or outside of school? On the Internet/your computer or your cell phone?
  • Has he/she shown mean behavior towards anyone?
  • Has he ever been in any fight?

How do I find out if my child is a victim?

  • Look out for physical bruises or torn clothes.
  • Has your child’s need for money suddenly increased?
  • Look out also for psychosomatic complaints such as:
  • Headaches
  • Stomach aches
  • Enuresis
  • Difficulty sleeping or nightmares
  • Feeling sad
  • Is she/he refusing to go to school or is their academic performance going south

Pay special attention if your child has

  • Chronic medical problems
  • Emotional, developmental, or behavioral problems (e.g. ADHD, learning disabilities)

We all have been victims of some amount of bullying in our growing up years. Most of us managed well and left the troubling experiences behind. Bullying need not be a cause of stress for parents. Here is what you can do.

  • Schools can conduct activities to build confidence and self-esteem, practicing scenarios on how to respond in assertive, non-violent ways to bullying, and promoting friendships with protective peers.
  • Parents should establish healthy communication channels with children and watch out for any change in their behavior or routine. A word of caution. Too much fussing can lead to the children shutting you out. Exercise restraint.
  • Parents should be vigilant and supervise and monitor children’s cell phone and Internet use.
  • Parents should be aware of their child’s school’s policy on technology use and schools can provide information and hold workshops for parents about cyber bullying.

Images courtesy: Pixabay.com

*, **Times of India April 13, 2013