Incomplete without Compassion

Today’s blog I will like to start with a Facebook post (Treasureside.com), shared by a woman who lost her baby during delivery. The mother used social media to convey her gratitude to all the compassionate nurses.

In her ‘thank you’ letter, she shared all the loving and compassionate acts they displayed during her trauma. Here are a few of her expressions of appreciation toward the nurses:

The post is dedicated to not just one or two compassionate nurses; but a full team of caring individuals who seemed to work together in fully embracing a devastated family’s emotional, psychological, and physical needs. These skills go well beyond medical training; they reflect a depth of understanding and sensitivity that is the epitome of kindness, generosity, and love.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.  Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama refers to the emotional benefits of compassion to both the giver and recipient.

Compassion is not an automatic response to another’s plight; it is a response that occurs only when the situation is perceived as serious, unjust and relatable. It requires a certain level of awareness, concern and empathy.

Importance of Compassion in our toady’s hectic life 

It is extremely painful to feel compassion as it requires empathy for others and at the same time it is equally essential to create positive action.

Compassion and empathy are fundamental components of our personality for quality relationships as they enable kind and loving behavior. Hence our associations in volunteer activities has been associated with positive result like increased academic aspirations and self-esteem among adolescents

Compassion has two elements: showing compassion for others and also self-compassion which is an important for well-being. However in this stressful time we often find people who are unable to forgive themselves for various unpleasant incidents of their lives.

 Where in when we condition ourselves to see beyond our flaws and treat ourselves with forgiveness and understanding, our psychological health and well-being increases.

In extensive studies on Compassion have shown self -compassion is more beneficial than self-esteem. It strongly enhances emotional resilience without fostering some of the negative aspects associated with self-esteem by researchers.

In  2018 a 17-year long study on HIV patients  were concluded by the researchers Ironson, Kremer, & Lucette. They found out that practicing compassion for others and being self compassionate towards oneself are the predictors of longer survival. This finding is shows the power of compassion.

The power of compassion is essential within the medical field as patients feel pain, anxiety and fear. In such a situation handling their emotions helps them to both heal and cope with the situation.

8 Proven Benefits of Compassion

  • Society: Compassion promotes social connection among adults and children. Social connection is important to increase self-esteem, empathy, well-being; and higher interpersonal orientation
  • Over all Well Being: Compassion is related to increased happiness . Compassion is related to higher levels of well-being
  • Self-compassion during smoking cessation training is associated with reduced smoking among participants with low readiness to change, high self-criticism, and vivid imagery during the treatment program.  It is linked to various aspects of general well-being,

Self-compassion reduces burnout and fosters important adaptive qualities among medical professionals. It buffers the negative impact of stress.

Self-compassion: have a number of proven psychological benefits, such as reduced PTSD symptom severity. Self-compassion is linked to more positive aging.

  • Parenting: Compassion promotes positive parenting by improving parent-child relationships.
  • Medical professionals: Brief expressions of compassion expressed by doctors decreases patient’s anxiety. Compassionate love is associated with higher patient survival rates, even after adjusting for social support and substance use effects

Patient-reported clinician empathy and compassion is related to increased patient satisfaction and lower distress.

  • School: Compassion within classrooms is related to increased cooperation and better learning (Hart & Kindle Hodson, 2004).Compassion for teachers as expressed by colleagues is linked to increased teacher job satisfaction, organizational commitment, and sense of emotional vigor.
  • Compassion-focused therapy:  is reported as a promising therapeutic approach for individuals with effective disorders characterized by high self-criticism .Depression: The combination of self-compassion and optimism is beneficial for depression-vulnerable people. Low habitual self-compassion and high self-criticism are related to a higher risk of depression

Voluntary Associations: Compassion expressed as a function of service work is related to improved health and well-being among volunteers

While some of us behave more consistently compassionate than others due to our conditioning as compare to others and compassion is teachable.  However there needs to be a structured series of intervention to do so.

Naturally, teaching compassion should begin with young children in order to inculcate empathy, compassion, and kindness at a time when personalities and beliefs are still developing.

Positive Psychology Coaching on Compassion

The field of positive psychologyis founded on the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fullling lives, to cultivate what is best within themselves, and to enhance their experiences of love, work, and play” (International Positive Psychology Association in Donaldson, Dollwet, & Rao, 2014, p. 2).

Positive psychology focuses on the promotion of positive emotions, traits, and behaviors that ultimately foster positive well-being. Well-being was the most prevalent topic studied field of positive psychology since 1999.

One to mention is Donaldson’s colleague’s study in 2014 on compassion which was spread across 46 countries.  The researchers reported a number of studies indicating that compassion and gratitude were predictors of increased well-being with scientific evidence.

Additionally, mindfulness was the most frequently researched intervention, and intensive mindfulness training.  It increases several positive outcomes, including self-compassion.

There are numerous proven benefits of both self-compassion and compassion toward others, such as increased happiness, improved medical outcomes, reduced stress, reduced psychopathology, and increased social connection.

If you wish discover the power of Self Acceptance with Compassion, you could  book  an individual, or  group  Coaching session ‘ Rediscover Your Purpose’. It’s an innovative, comprehensive session focusing on both self-compassion and compassion toward others, such as increased happiness, improved medical outcomes, reduced stress, reduced psychopathology, and increased social connection. 

We organize well being workshops/webinar, group counseling sessions @ organizations, There are many ways in which individuals/ groups/ teams  can practice compassion such as by being altruistic, avoiding judgment, being grateful, to create a productive workplace.

Connect with us @ 9818105631  email us @training@samunnati.org

 

Put your SELF on the top of To Do List

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

Our most important partner in our life is ‘me’ and we often spend more time in  understanding others wherein we must focus on creating a positive relationship with ourselves.

Relationship with myself

We all have a specific explanatory style, which decided how we view the world around us which includes day to today situation, relationships, definitions of life like success, failure, happiness etc.

In our growing up stage we often get conditioned by our parents, community, society, religion, and place where we reside. All these aspects condition ourselves and builds our value system. In this process we often take over the values which are being transferred by all of them\ and make our blue print of viewing the world.

Why values are important?

Values are set of guidelines which help us to scan the situation, relation, events and life journey. For instance it is the value system which decides whether ‘I am a successful person or a failure’ or whether ‘the event in my life is positive or negative.’

Self image and self criticism

The three elements of a person’s self-image are:

  1. The way a person perceives or thinks of him/herself.
  2. The way a person interprets others’ perceptions (or what he thinks others think) of him/herself.
  3. The way a person would like to be (his ideal self).

 However the common problem we all face is Self-criticism. The optimum level of self criticism helps us to improve our areas of improvement but we often fail to control the level and it slowly absorbs us silently.  

It’s a problem which should never be overlooked because the way we talk to ourselves play a vital role in well-being. The problem of the self-critic is fixable and needs to replace by Self Love.

Research supporting Self love in Positive Psychology 

Researchers Ed Diener and Martin Seligman (2002) conducted a study of both happy and unhappy people to determine what factors set them apart. It turned out that happy people didn’t necessarily exercise more, participate more often in religious activities, or experience more (subjectively) positive life events. The difference between the groups was that happier people had better social relationships.

If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others.  The Dalai Lama

Definition of self-compassion in Buddhism is ‘offering patience, kindness, and nonjudgmental understanding to others as well as oneself’. It is contrary and not equivalent to selfishness.

Make peace with our inner critic

So the biggest question is how we turn our inner critic inti and supportive narrative? Traditional cognitive skills training have been found rather ineffective in this area.

Positive Psychology coaching in self Love and Compassion

Everybody deserves self love and situations and events which do not happen as per your expectation, we only need to pause and reassess.
Be mindful of the difficult emotions that a rise. There could be events in our life where we need to forgive ourselves and recognize that we can commit mistake.
With growth mindset we redesign ourselves to identify various options of doing differently. Use gratefulness as the opportunity to increase the positive ratio and coping with difficult event ion life.
Finally, accept ourselves that we are not perfect. However there is always scope to be better. We must focus on the areas where we performed fine and that’s more than enough.

Coaching Package
Rediscover your Purpose: to Practice Self-Compassion
The coaching session is complimented with scientific studies, self assessment and positive intervention to have self compassion for better well being.
• Step 1: Practice Forgiveness
• Step 2: Employ a Growth Mindset
• Step 3: Express Gratitude
• Step 4: Find the Right Level of Generosity
• Step 5: Be Mindful

Connect with @ 9818105631 to take coaching session for well being.

Reference: Positive Psychology research of Martin Seligman @ Pen University,U. S.A.

 

 

 

 

 

Empathy

 

Many of you would have read Harper Lee’s “To kill a mocking bird” or watched the movie starring the very handsome Gregory Peck. This book is a classic on Empathy and I would recommend everyone pick it up to understand the true meaning of Empathy.

What is Empathy?

“Empathy is like a universal solvent. Any problem immersed in empathy becomes soluble” -Simon Baron-Cohen, British clinical psychologist, and professor of developmental psychopathology, University of Cambridge, in his book “Zero degrees of Empathy: A new theory of human cruelty”

In its simplest form, empathy is the ability to recognize emotions in others, and to understand other people’s perspectives on a situation. At its most developed, empathy enables you to use that insight to improve someone else’s mood and to support them through challenging situations.

How is Empathy different from Sympathy?

Empathy is often confused with sympathy, but they are not the same thing. Sympathy is a feeling of concern for someone, and a sense that they could be happier. Unlike empathy, sympathy doesn’t involve shared perspective or emotions.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, empathy is one of the five key components of emotional intelligence – a vital leadership skill. The five components are

  • Self-awareness.
  • Self-regulation.
  • Motivation.
  • Empathy.
  • Social skills.

I’m not going into the details of Emotional Intelligence here. That’s for another time. But suffice is to say that in order to be a successful leader one needs to be empathetic to one’s subordinates and team members.

Empathy is developed through 3 stages.

  1. Cognitive Empathy: It is the ability to understand what another person might be thinking or feeling. It need not involve any emotional engagement by the observer. Managers may find cognitive empathy useful in understanding how their team members are feeling, and therefore what style of leadership would get the best from them today. Similarly, sales executives can use it to gauge the mood of a customer, helping them to choose the most effective tone for a conversation.
  2. Emotional Empathy: It is the ability to share the feelings of another person, and so to understand that person on a deeper level. It helps to build trust between managers and team members, and to develop honesty and openness.
  3. Compassionate Empathy: It is the most active form of empathy. It involves not only having concern for another person, and sharing their emotional pain, but also taking practical steps to reduce it.

Exercising Empathy

According to Stanford Psychologist Jamil Zaki empathy is like a muscle — it can be strengthened with exercise and it can atrophy when idle. So how does one “exercise” Empathy? Prof Zaki writes in Harvard Business Review that the first step towards building empathy is acknowledging that it is something that can be built.

Minter Dial in his book “Heartificial Empathy” lists out the following five activities for flexing empathy muscle.

  1. Listen actively Practice active listening by reformulating the message to the person who just said it. Observe the nonverbal cues. The key is to focus on the intended meaning and feelings of the person you are interacting with. Use your ears, eyes and “gut instincts” to understand the entire message that they’re communicating. Start with listening out for the key words and phrases that they use, particularly if they use them repeatedly. Then think about how as well as what they’re saying. What’s their tone or body language telling you? Are they angry, ashamed or scared, for example? Take this a stage further by listening empathetically. Avoid asking direct questions, arguing with what is being said, or disputing facts at this stage. And be flexible – prepare for the conversation to change direction as the other person’s thoughts and feelings also change.
  2. Explore differences. Put yourself in environments where people are from different backgrounds. For example, you might want to join a local community outreach group or volunteer for some charity work. It is one of the best ways to learn from the diversity of others’ experiences.
  3. Read fiction. According to Prof Zaki, “There’s a fair amount of evidence now that the more fiction that people read, the more empathetic that they become, because fiction is one of the most powerful ways to connect with people who are different from us who we might not have a chance to meet otherwise.” Fiction apparently tricks our minds into thinking we are part of the story, and the empathy we feel for characters wires our brains to have the same sensitivity towards real people. If Obama, Bill Gates and Sheryl Sandberg can make time for reading fiction, why can’t you?
  4. Practise mindfulness. Mindfulness and meditation are all about focusing on the here and now. And one certainly needs to be “present” when listening to someone else in order to empathise with them.
  5. Remember why. If you know why you need to be more empathetic, you will create the environment, set aside the time and make the effort. So create the necessary awareness within yourself.

In addition to the above, I would like to add the following if you aim to be an empathetic leader.

  1. Consider other people’s perspective/be non-judgmental. Keep an open mind. Placing too much emphasis on your own assumptions and beliefs doesn’t leave much space for empathy! Even when the feelings of others are directly opposite to yours, don’t judge. Let go of your biases and be open to new perspectives. Look at it as an opportunity to better understand what they’re experiencing and expressing.
  2. Encourage the quiet ones. Make it a point to encourage people to have a say. The simple act of encouraging the quiet ones will empower everyone around you.
  3. Take a personal interest. Show genuine curiosity about the lives of those who work with you, show your interest by asking questions about their lives, their challenges, their families, their aspirations. Showing personal interest without sounding intrusive is the strongest way to build relationships. 

Ref: Minter Dial, Heartificial Empathy: Putting Heart into Business and Artificial Intelligence

Hidden Brain. You 2.0: The Empathy Gym.NPR.org

HBR, Emotional Intelligence: Making Empathy Central to your Company Culture by Jamil Zaki, May 30 2019

* For Training,Workshop, Counseling and Coaching please connect with us at 9818105631 or mail us at training@samunnati.org

 

 

 

Sibling Rivalry

 

 

 

As long as families have existed “Sibling rivalry” has existed too. The moment we say Sibling, rivalry seem to follow it automatically. Despite the fact that there are many solid sibling relationships in families, it’s typically rivalry that gets the most attention.

What causes Sibling Rivalry?

Siblings may be of different genders, of different ages and temperaments, and worst of all, they have to share the one or two people they want most for themselves: their parents.

  • Position in the family. The older child may be burdened with the responsibility of looking after the younger ones, or the younger one may be burdened with living up to the image of the elder one, or catch up with him all the time.
  • Daughter may resent what she perceives as the preferential treatment being given to her brother by her mother or the son may resent his father treating his sister more favourably.
  • A five and an eight-year-old can play some games together but when they become thirteen and sixteen, they will likely have very different interests. Parents may have been told all along that they should treat their children equally, but it is not always possible. Different rules will have to be set for different age and requirements but this can cause resentment among the children. If parents allow a nineteen year old to stay late in the evening with friends his sixteen year old sister will resent it if she is not given the same privileges.

Here are some do’s and don’ts that may be helpful in reducing conflicts as well as the negative effects of sibling rivalry:

  • Don’t make comparisons(e.g., “I don’t understand it. When Hamsini was his age she would pack her bag herself). Each child feels he is unique and rightly so; he is his own person and resents being evaluated only in relation to someone else. Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be given his own goals and levels of expectation that relate only to him.
  • Don’t dismiss or suppress your children’s resentment or angry feelings. Anger is not something we should try to avoid at all costs. It’s an entirely normal part of being human, and it’s certainly normal for siblings to get angry with each other and have the impulse to physically fight. Parents need to assure them that they get angry too, but there are ways to express it and it is not permitted to behave in cruel and dangerous ways. Sit down with them, acknowledge the anger (e.g., “I know you hate Akash right now but you cannot kick him.”), and talk it through.
  • Whenever possible, let brothers and sisters settle their own differences. However, use your judgment to step in and mediate if the contest is between unequals or if the situation looks like it is getting out of control. Sometimes this could result in long-lasting grudges among grown siblings. Bullying could be another fall out if the fights between siblings are not monitored. Bullying is discussed in detail in the next section.

Some Useful Sibling Conflict Resolution Strategies

  • Don’t take sides. You don’t know how long the child who is founding pounding on his brother was putting up with his taunting before taking this drastic measure. However when the sibling rivalry progresses to excessive physical or verbal violence OR when the number of incidents of rivalry becomes excessive, take action. Talk with your children about what is going on. Provide suggestions on how they can handle the situation when it occurs.
  • Reward appropriate behaviour. Parents often don’t notice when children are putting up their best behaviour and notice only fights and arguments. Behaviors that are ignored or unrewarded decrease while behaviors that receive attention or rewarded increase.
  • Introduce a family plan to help with the situation that provides negative and positive consequences for all concerned. When there is a fighting or shouting as a consequence you can introduce temporary withdrawal of screen time. If a day goes without fighting you could give them a reward that you consider appropriate like play a game with them or give them a favourite snack etc.

Sibling Bullying

Sibling bullying is not necessarily an isolated moment of anger. It might reflect an ongoing pattern in a sibling relationship in which one may be emotionally or physically abusive toward another. It may take the form of denigrating, shaming, embarrassing, or threatening behavior.

Consequences of Sibling Bullying

Victims of sibling bullying may minimize, suppress, or deny the emotional pain caused by their abuse–with regard to their anger, hurt, fear and anxiety. They may also internalize their anger, viewing themselves as being at fault.

A child who is the victim of sibling bullying develops a sense of helplessness and isolation, feeling confused, frustrated and powerless. When such suffering is ignored, a child does not feel safe within his own home and may withdraw seeking connection with his parents.

Such a child who is neglected at home may turn into a bully himself outside his home. He may develop a longing for connection with others which may, in turn, lead to associating with peers who similarly feel isolated, angry and powerless–whether seeking affiliation with gangs or resorting to addiction. On the other hand the hurt and anger may completely inhibit their desire to connect with others.

  • Be attentive to how siblings interact with each other. Closely monitor them if you suspect bullying is occurring.
  • Privately address any concerns you have about a child, whether in regard to behavior, school performance, feelings, etc.
  • Reward positive sibling interactions–including their working on a project together and sharing interests.
  • Provide your children with specific guidelines for resolving conflicts. Teach them problem-solving skills like assertive communication, negotiation, collaboration, compromise etc.
  • Teach them to verbalise their feelings.
  • Avoid making comparisons.
  • Make it very clear that any form of bullying will not be tolerated and there will be consequences.
  • Try to be consistent in your interactions with each child.
  • Be fully present with your child, truly attentive to them, without attending to other tasks.
  • Be alert to your interactions with them or with your spouse. Specifically, be alert to any discrepancy between what you say about bullying and behavior that may provide a different message.
  • Avoid playing favourites with your children, based on any of their traits and qualities.

Siblings can create certain stresses, but if they are overcome successfully, they will give your children resources that will serve them well later in life. Siblings learn how to share, how to come face to face with jealousy, and how to accept their individual strengths and weaknesses. As they watch you handle sibling rivalry with equanimity and fairness, they will be gaining knowledge that will be valuable when they, too, become parents.

Image courtesy: www.scholastic.com, hypnosisdownloads.com

 

 

 

Healthy and Unhealthy Perfectionism

 

Perfectionism is a personality trait that some people do have, some people don’t have. It’s a complete a continuum in between the two extreme points. You can have a little bit of perfectionism in some areas, and in another you don’t.

Usually we associate perfectionism with positive qualities. A person who is a perfectionist has high quality standards, they are not putting out junk, they can be trusted with other people’s projects, they’re going to do a good job. This is all good.

And when we say “I’m a perfectionist” we wear it like a badge of honor (I ore this champion medal for long time).

Perfectionism & Creativity.

Perfectionism can make creating really stressful. One of the reasons is, we want to keep those high standards, don’t want to make mistakes and fear failure more like others. So we tend to name some works of ours as “failures” even though they might have turned out quite all right, but it’s just not the same as we imagined, so we’re disappointed with ourselves.

Study of personalities of creative genius in Positive Psychology

Study 1: by Psychologist and creativity researcher Frank X. Barron
In this study few creative genius where shown certain pictures to understand their creative level and then measured on certain parameter.
All of them scored very high strong sense of self: ego, strength, all components of Positive Psychology, mental illness. Even metrics of non mental health & high IQ level was involved.
In his studies he found out that creative genius may be at once naïve and knowledgeable, being at home equally to primitive symbolism and to rigorous logic. He is both more primitive and more cultured, more destructive, more constructive, occasionally crazier and yet adamantly saner than the average person.

Study 2 : Creative researcher Mihaly Csikszentnihalyi
This is he had to say about his research: “If I had to express in one word what makes their personalities different from others, it’s complexity. They show tendencies of thought and action that in most people are segregated. They contain contradictory extremes: instead of being an individual, each of them is a multitude.”
So the crux of his research is that creative people with ‘messy minds’ but with positiveness. They have their your own goal.
One of the genius mind studied in this research was Picaso the famous painter.
Most commonly we will like to believe that he will have steady growth comparing to his genius capabilities. We think each sketch process goes incrementally high from one after another. This growth is shown in the picture 1.

Source : Positive Psychology program of Martin Seligman 

But the actual is not picture 1. This growth is filled with trials, error, up and down as shown in Picture 2.

Source : Positive Psychology program of Martin Seligman 

In fact the same goes with other creative genius Einstein, Edison, Shakespeare.
One of the major feature of these creative genius is ‘Openness to experience ‘ is a major factor in creativity. This ensures flexibility and has the caliber to accept erros, failures, faults right next to their perfection.

Experience of Art therapist Ms Rita Pailial in Shimla who works with Perfectionist

She is a coloring book creator, a creativity facilitator, and this what she said about Perfectionism:
“I find myself encountering and engaging perfectionists on pretty much a daily basis. The perfectionism I encounter in my students, my child, my friends, and the colorists who discover my books/workshops/events comes in all different levels.

Some of them
• struggle over what color to choose and uttering “I just don’t want to mess it up with the wrong choice!”.
• Or often saying: “I’m the only one who isn’t getting it!”).

Over this past year of engagement with fellow perfectionists, I have begun noticing trends in their thinking pattern, problem solving, self acceptance level, tackling new situations, and specially if the situation does not go according to their definition of “perfectly.”

Contribution of Dr. Jessica Rohlfing Pryor:  core faculty member at Northwestern University’s Counseling Program from The Family Institute.

Perfectionism becomes unhealthy—called maladaptive perfectionism—when there’s an unrealistic attempt at reaching excessively high or impossible goals.

An example of situation shared by her as a maladaptive perfectionism: “Feeling a pressure to be the best at everything. For example, being the number-one student athlete and the valedictorian and getting into the ‘best’ university,” said Pryor. “One person’s ability and energy to obtain, let alone remain at, that level of excellence over a long period of time—that’s impossible to do.”

In a 2017 study, researchers examined perfectionism among college students are high globally over the past three decades and found that three types of perfectionism have increased among recent generations of students.

1. Self-oriented perfectionism: Individuals attach irrational importance to being perfect, hold unrealistic expectations of themselves, and useless self-evaluations.

Associated with: negative physiological reactions to life stress and failure, clinical depression, anorexia nervosa, and suicidal ideation.

2. Socially prescribed perfectionism: Individuals believe their social context is excessively demanding, that others judge them harshly, and that they must display perfection to secure approval.

Associated with: anxiety, depressive symptoms, and suicidal ideation to greater degrees than those with self-oriented perfectionism.

3. Other-oriented perfectionism: Individuals impose unrealistic standards on those around them and evaluate others critically.

Associated with: higher vindictiveness, hostility, and the tendency to blame others, in addition to lower altruism, compliance, and trust.

We are going to organize a workshop on perfectionism ‘Dose of Imperfect @ workplace’. Join us to know the

Webinar Flow
• Root belief system
• Unhealthy Perfectionism @ workplace
• Perfectionism & Making mistake
• Mental well being
• Technique: Pomodoro Technique
Benefit:
• Better teamwork, reduce team conflict , increase productivity, better planning and prioritization management & overall well being

Take Away
• Hear inner voice
• Evidence based action items
• Research based tools

Emotional Intelligence in 24 hours

 

I will begin my today’s blog with some questions which is the base of human flourishing.

  • Do you recognize the emotion you are feeling?
  • Can you manage those feelings without allowing them to overpower you?
  • Can you motivate yourself to get jobs done?
  • Do you sense the emotions of others and respond effectively?

How often do we all take time to reflect on these questions and even journal them?

What is Emotional Intelligence? 

Emotional intelligence (also called the Emotional Quotient, or EQ) is the ability to monitor our own emotions, emotions of others, understand different emotions and also label these different emotions correctly. Finally these emotions and emotional information guides our thinking pattern, behavior, and relationship with others.

In day to day life we use emotional intelligence ins a simple situations like when we empathize with our coworkers, have deep conversations about our relationships friends , and  try to manage an unruly or distraught child. In simple words emotional intelligence helps to cultivate the opportunity of a fulfilled and happy life.

EQ vs. IQ

EQ is emotional intelligence, is about identifying emotions in ourselves, others, relating to others, and communicating about our feelings (Cherry, 2018a).

On the other hand IQ, is cognitive intelligence. It is most often referred to when the word “intelligence” is used and often measured through testing and estimated through things like grade-point average.

“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head–it is the unique intersection of both.” David Caruso 

Characteristics of EI 

Without going to the academic information of EI , there are many characteristics that describes people high and low in emotional intelligence.

According to Rhett Power (2017), these are the seven qualities that best describe employees and leaders with a high EQ:

  1. They aren’t afraid of change. They understand it’s a fact of life, and they’re quick to adapt;
  2. They’re self-aware. They know what they’re good at, what they can work on, and what kinds of environments suit them best;
  3. They’re empathetic. They can easily relate to others and understand what they are going through;
  4. They’re committed to quality but understand that perfection is an impossible standard;
  5. They’re balanced and able to have a healthy professional and personal life;
  6. They’re curious and open-minded, and they love to explore the possibilities;
  7. They’re gracious, grateful, and happy.

Characteristics of people with low emotional intelligence include:

  • They are unable to control their emotions;
  • They are clueless about the feelings of others, even those close to them;
  • They can’t maintain good relationships, whether work or personal;
  • They always have a “poker face,” meaning others have a hard time reading them;
  • They are often emotionally inappropriate for the situation;
  • They have trouble coping with sadness;
  • They are have trouble reading emotions from tone of voice;
  • They have trouble being sympathetic with others;
  • They are completely unmoved by emotional scenes in movies, TV, or books—no matter the genre;
  • They trivialize the importance of emotions in general and elevate the importance of “cool, calm logic”;
  • They are not aware of dogs’ emotion states—including their own dogs’ emotional states—even when the signs are clear (Riggio, 2015)

Why is it important to develop Emotional Intelligence Skills?

It is fundamental to understand our emotions and this understanding will lead us to flourishing and more high-functioning role. That’s because as humans, we tend to be highly emotional and social creatures.

Being emotionally intelligent will helps us to connect with others, boost our performance at work, improve our communication skills, become more resilient, and more. It turns out that having a high level of EI can make you successful in just about every aspect of your life however the definition of success in context could need redefinition.

Emotional Intelligence and Communication

EI affects communication: A high EQ leads to competence in conversations, and competence in conversation is a requirement for both a healthy personal life and a healthy professional life.

Those who are high in emotional intelligence:

  1. Consider other people’s feelings;
  2. Consider their own feelings;
  3. Practice empathy for others and relate to them in conversation;
  4. Operate on trust, meaning they build trust through verbal and nonverbal cues and communicate honestly;
  5. Recognize, identify, and clear up any misunderstandings (Schmitz, 2016).

Communication leads directly to the next reason why it’s important to develop emotional intelligence: building and maintaining healthy relationships

EI  in Relationships

It’s easy to see how having a high EQ can lead to better relationships. People high in EQ can:

  • Read other people’s emotions and appropriately and effectively react to them;
  • Understand and regulate their own emotions so they don’t bottle things up or let negative emotions burst out of them;
  • Understand that their thoughts create their emotions and that regulating our thoughts allows us to indirectly regulate our emotions;
  • Connect their own actions to other peoples’ emotional reactions; they know what kinds of consequences their actions will have on others and how others might feel and behave in response (Hall, 2018).

EI in Workplace  

Interesting research on EI on some famous CEOs .

Chip Conley, founder of Joie de Vivre Hospitality and a Stanford Business School graduate, wrote about CEOs who demonstrate high degrees of emotional intelligence. He picked Fortune 500 companies and interviewed employees, studied speeches and published writing, and evaluated what he called the “emotional thermostat” settings of these leaders. Some highlights:

  1. Jeff Bezos of Amazon — Obsessed with the hearts and minds of his customers, Bezos has a long-term perspective on business strategy and relationships (with customers and among employees).
  2. Howard Schultz of Starbucks — Away from Starbucks for eight years, Schultz says that the main reason he came back was “love” for the company and its people; Starbucks is noted for its generous health care benefits, a philosophy inspired by Schultz’s father losing his health insurance when Schultz was a child.
  3. Indra Nooyi of Pepsi — With a philosophy of “performance with purpose,” Nooyi has helped move employees from a day job to living a calling. She’s known for singing in the hallways or walking barefoot in the office.

Positive Psychology Coaching

“Emotional healing requires more than simply changing how you feel. Your emotions are merely symptoms of the problem—not the problem itself.  Even when they hurt.”   Jessica Moore

Now lets take a situation to understand the use of EI in day to day situations at workplace whch is often a problem to handle even for managers or leaders.

Situation: It can be very difficult for many of us to accept criticism, especially if receiving criticism provokes strong emotions (effects ego in this case).

EI can equip : When you accept the criticism that is thrown your way (without actually taking it to heart), we will find that we disarm the person criticizing us.

As a part of positive psychology, emotional intelligence has been a popular segment.  Positive psychology coaching uses science-based exercises to measure and at many scales, enhance the ability to understand, work with emotions and will also provide a set of tools to foster the emotional intelligence among students, employees,

It’s worth noting that people with high EQs don’t remove all emotions from their decision-making. This helps them stay more objective while also allowing them to rely on their feelings to a healthy extent.

High emotional intelligence improves decision-making abilities. They have a good understanding of themselves and around them are more likely to view various options, keep an open mind, and remove all irrelevant emotions from the decision-making process (Huffington Post, 2013).

EI Activity: Be the Fog (Regulate Your Emotions)

Situation:  Above mentioned.

This simple exercise will help you “be the fog” and learn how to regulate and modulate your emotions in a difficult situation.

Here’s what to do:

“Act like a fog! Imagine you are a fog. When someone throws a stone at you, you absorb that stone without throwing the stone back. This is a very easy and effective technique to use against people who keep criticizing you repeatedly.” (Skills Converged website)

For example, if someone tells you something like:

  • “You just don’t understand.”
  • “You are lazy.”
  • “You are always late.”
  • “You don’t feel responsible.”

Respond with:

  • “Yes, I just don’t understand.”
  • “Yes, I am lazy sometimes.”
  • “Yes, I was late.”
  • “Yes, I just don’t take responsibility.”

Connect with us for effective positive psychology coaching interventions and seminar on inclusion of Emotional Intelligence for employees, and students at training@samunnati.org.

I am grateful for

Philosopher David Hume (1739) wrote, “Of all crimes that human creatures are capable of committing, the most horrid and unnatural is ingratitude

 Research on Gratitude and its impact on overall well being

There has been a debate since the time of Socrates that grateful people are happy or happy people are grateful that is end list. However various reports have shown that gratitude is good for mental and physical health.

In 2015 Mills in his studies has shown that gratitude certain lowers down blood pressure, decreases stress, and improves sleep. Even studies supports that regular practice of gratitude can lessen symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Activity: Gratitude Jar

The gratitude jar is a stunningly simple exercise that can have profound effects on your well-being and outlook.

Material

  • a jar or a box and things to decorate it.
  • paper and a pen or pencil for writing
  • and gratitude *
  1. Step 1: Find a jar or box.
  2. Step 2: Decorate the jar as you wish
  3. Step 3:This is the most important step, which will be repeated every day.
  • Think of at least three things throughout your day that you are grateful for.
  • Example: It can be something as simple as enjoying today’s coffee at your favorite place, or as grand as the getting love of your life.
  • Do this every day, write down what you are grateful for on little slips of paper and fill the jar.
  • Over time, you will find that you have a jar full of a myriad of reasons to be thankful for what you have and enjoy the life you are living. It also will cultivate a practice of expressing thanks.
  • If you are ever feeling especially down and need a quick pick-me-up, take a few notes out of the jar to remind yourself of who, and what, is good in your life.

The activity gratitude does four things:

  1. Gratitude disconnects us from toxic, negative emotions and this thought and feeling stays with the person for a long time. Hence ‘Gratitude Jar’ which is a journalizing exercise, “shifts our attention” and focus our attention on positive emotions.
  2. We’re happier and more satisfied with life because we completed the exercise. Expressing gratitude helps us though we don’t explicitly share it with someone.
  3. One might not be able to view the benefit in one day, one week or even a month. However the positive effects of gratitude are like the compound interest.
  4. Moreover gratitude practice trains the brain to be more in tune with experiencing gratitude. This exercise generates positive emotions which stay as a feeling of satisfaction for a long time within us.

A preeminent scholar Robert Emmons (2010), makes the argument that gratitude allows a person to:

  • celebrate the present
  • block toxic emotions (envy, resentment, regret, depression)
  • be more stress-resilient, and
  • strengthen social ties and self-worth.

The researchers analyzed their findings to figure out how gratitude has these effects. Gratitude research is on-going by experts worldwide.

 When gratitude fails

 Though it’s very easy to practice gratitude however there is a barrier which could block our overall well-being i.e. ‘Ingratitude’. Emmons (2013) offers the following characteristics of ingratitude:

  • excessive sense of self-importance
  • arrogance
  • vanity
  • unquenchable need for admiration and approval
  • sense of entitlement

 Gratitude among children

In 2008 Hussong shared the study of development of gratitude among children focusing on the complexity of construction of gratitude.

Children often learn manners and social conformity from their parents and society. Inherently, children are more apt to express gratitude without even prompting, which is shared in the research. So it’s confirmed that gratitude is a trait which grows like any other cognitive components. We learn the ‘how’ as we develop but knowing that appreciation for one another may be instinctual is fascinating.

It is essential to teach the trait of gratitude in children however there is a need of awareness to do so. Powerful interventions are immensely needed to integrate the behaviors of gratitude among children. The more choices one has to practice gratitude, the more likely they are to make that choice to continue mining for appreciation.

Gratitude @ workplace

 Researcher Amie Gordon (2019) identified four myths about being grateful at work through scientific inquiry. The myths and truths are:

  • Myth #1: It’s forced.
    Truth: Participants assigned to “be more grateful” are more satisfied, healthier, and happier. People enjoy gratitude interventions even when told to practice it.
  • Myth #2: It’s fake.
    Truth: Expressing gratitude when it is felt matters. Being specific about what one is grateful for heightens the experience for both people.
  • Myth #3: It’s fluffy.
    Truth: Gratitude is about feeling valued by others and seeing value in others. The majority of employees will leave if they do not feel appreciated and recognized.
  • Myth #4: It undermines authority.
    Truth: Grateful leaders inspire trust. They are perceived as having more integrity.

It is also essential for adults to understand that satisfaction with life can exist without the effective state of gratitude as well, but typically, this occurs when a successful person has no concept of that success being attributed to anything external. So the higher the level of the experience of gratitude as an emotion, will reflect on higher levels of positive affect.

 Positive Psychology Coaching

 It is substantiated by enough research reports that regardless of who you are, or the circumstances of your life, the health benefits of gratitude are undeniable. However just take some time to ask yourselves what activities do you commit to implement these subtle emotions in our hectic lifestyle to realize the health benefits of gratitude?

Merely stating ‘thank you’ is not enough to practice connective gratitude for achieving the state that improves well-being rather it’s important to understand the awe and its contribution to our physical and mental well being.

Now let’s understand when we decide to join a fitness program we start with a baseline in mind. When beginning an exercise routine, one might want a baseline from which to start their fitness improvement.

Similarly beginning a well being plan should be no different. Gratitude is an emotion and knowing one’s current level of gratitude gives this same type of baseline from which to strive for improvement. Positive psychology can measure to understand the level of this positive emotion in various situations in our life.

As a Positive Psychology coach we have designed coaching programs ‘(Re) Discover Your Purpose,  to increase the level of mental well being through a systematic and scientific based model of PERMA (the parameters of well being). This program will make gratitude a lifestyle, and will build the mental muscles that show up as positive emotions. Additionally, It’s essential for our children to get empowered through such intervention because measuring gratitude shows a sort of moral barometer.

In other words, people who can feel gratitude regularly are more satisfied with their lives. Connect with us to enjoy the coaching program ‘(Re) Discover Your Purpose.

 

Unlock your self limiting belief with Positive Psychology

What Are Self-Limiting Beliefs?

We all have some assumption and perceptions which we integrate in our belief system and further nurture them deeply. Eventually these thoughts become our belief system and unknowingly become a part of us.

However when there are some believes which limits our pace and range of abilities. They are strong enough to hold us back from achieving what we are truly capable. Such assumption could be termed as “self- limiting”.

What is a belief?

A belief is a feeling of certainty with some reason, and a strong story which we choose to tell ourselves all through our life unconsciously with some substantial proof to support it. Over a period of time we keep collecting heaps of proof as we keep searching for it to further validate our belief. These “self limiting” belief is self sabotaging.

If such believes has the power to limit our capacity, then it could play a vital role in nurturing as well. So we have the choice to either create opportunities or limitation for ourselves, with our powerful belief system.

How do they come?

These thoughts are those which we use to talk to our self. So they often come in our everyday language:

For example, “ I always need to struggle in life” “I am not a creative person”, “I am very bad at networking”, “I am not an entrepreneur material”, or “I can never be a good leader”

Our self limiting beliefs make every task as if we are pushing a big rock from our way. On the contrary when we have empowering believes, our journey to achieve them becomes effortless.  It’s essential to become aware of what our beliefs are.

Which are those believes?

Human beings have a beautiful tool called “communication” and we use it to the fullest. Sometimes it could be difficult to identify these thoughts as we could package them very smartly. Few  common human limiting believes are: 

I don’t have time 

It is said when we use a statement multiple time, our brain starts believing it even if it is false and responds accordingly. Then certainly it will be impossible for us to find time to do anything.  A very common example is that we all have 24 hours however some of us achieve more than others.

Tool:

  • Use a spreadsheet and closely write down your activities, pattern of behavior.
  • You will notice self limiting behaviors and extra time for yourself.

I cant 

This is the most common self limiting belief that has the power to tie us completely. Additionally we help ourselves by repeating the thought to make sure even our unconscious mind listens to it loud and clear.

Tool:

  • Change the sentence you use to think:
  • Instead keep it: “I am unable to do it right now”

I can’t because I am not

There are certain words in our vocabulary which helps us to identify our thoughts with our self better. Such believes are called identity belief and one such word in our vocabulary is “I”.

Tool:

  • Re-framing is a great technique which could be used in this case
  • Example: If we think that “I am not creative”. I could say “ I am creative as a Psychologist but not as a painter”.

I will be judged

We are often fearful of the thought “What people will say ?“ In these situations we focus more on our fear which overpowers us with showing us examples of more people judging us.  Each time this thought comes, we must acknowledge that more often these are our own thoughts than other.

Tool:

  • Ask a reflecting question: “Am I judging myself right now?”
  • Redesign your thought and say: “Whatever is the outcome I am glad that I faced the situation and I deserve an acknowledgement of this.”

As a coach we work toward simplifying the complication of identifying limiting behavior in various day to day situations. Often it could be overwhelming to target your own self limiting belief as we identify too closely with them to view them as our limitation.

In Positive Psychology we use scientific tools to identify your strengths to handle this situation. These specific strengths are those, which will be the core tool in your “self devised action plan”. Sometimes even temporary suspension of a limiting belief is enough of a step forward to unblock the mind.

The PERMA model in positive psychology  will enable you to identify the limiting behavior, stretch the boundaries imposed by limiting believes and will take you closer towards your goals/dreams.

Dealing with what children watch online

Parents are often caught in a dilemma over how much time their child should spend on computer and mobile. ‘What are they doing for so many hours?’ ‘Are they really studying or browsing the net?’  ‘What are they browsing?’ These and many more questions arise in your mind when you see your child shifting from one screen to another throughout the day. With the Corona pandemic and class room teaching shifting to virtual mode as well as children’s play time being taken away, the worries and apprehensions have multiplied. Neither can you check on your child all the time nor can you leave them to their devices in an uncontrolled manner. So how do you ensure that your child is not watching what is not age appropriate? How do you broach the subject in a manner that is unobtrusive?

The Internet can be wonderful for kids. They can use it to research school reports, communicate with teachers and other kids, and play interactive games. But online access also comes with risks, like inappropriate content, cyber bullying and online predators.

Kids’ online time can be monitored by parents and guidelines can be set. If you set rules at a young age it becomes easy to follow them even as they grow older. So start early.

Basic guidelines for parental supervision:

  • Spend time online together to teach your kids appropriate online behavior.
  • Keep the computer in a common area where you can watch and monitor its use, not in individual bedrooms. Monitor any time spent on smartphones or tablets.
  • Bookmark kids’ favorite sites for easy access.

The Internet and Teens

As kids get older, it gets a little trickier to monitor their time spent online. They may carry a smartphone with them at all times. They probably want — and need — some privacy. This is healthy and normal, as they’re becoming more independent from their parents. The Internet can provide a safe “virtual” environment for exploring some newfound freedom if precautions are taken. However seeing inappropriate content at a young age can leave children feeling confused and unable to process what they have seen or experienced.

If your child does stumble across something inappropriate online, there are a few things that you can do to deal with it:

Establish whether if they stumbled onto the content accidentally or were simply curious and went looking for it. If it an accident, reassure them that is not a bad thing and show understanding.

  • If they went looking for it, have an honest conversation about why they felt the need to, to understand and help them take a more critical view of their actions.
  • Stay calm and discuss what they have seen and how it has made them feel to assess what emotional support they may need.
  • If they can’t talk to you, you could take the help of professional counselors with whom they can talk about what they may be feeling.
  • Review settings and control on the platforms they use to ensure that these are set to the right levels.

My child has seen inappropriate contents. What do I do?

If your child has accidentally come across pornography or actively sought it out by searching for it, it is only natural that questions about what they have seen is going to eat you up. Best way to deal with it is to talk it out.

  • Have an age appropriate conversation and explain that there are some things online that are for adults only and if they see something that upsets them, they should always come and tell you.
  • It may be a good time to help your child think critically about the images they see online and offline.
  • Try and give them coping strategies to help them deal with any online content that they are uncomfortable with like closing the laptop lid or turning off the screen.
  • Reassure them that they can always come to you if they feel they have seen something online that has worried them.
  • Set your expectations. Tell them that you expect them to be forth right and honest. If they are confident that you are empathetic and won’t judge them then they will not want to lie to you.
  • Appreciate them for telling the truth.
  • Be prepared that they may have questions about sex and relationships. Keep age appropriate answers ready.

Block Inappropriate content in anticipation

  • Make sure the devices are used in a shared room, like living room.
  • Limit the chances of exposure to inappropriate content by setting up filters and parental controls on devices – i.e. filters on your home internet, and YouTube, Restricted Mode and Google Safe Search.

 

 

 

Part 1-Do you want to stay positive?

Jane is a digital marketing professional working in a Swedish company.  She has been working with the company for last 8 years and has been moving very fast in her career journey. She is a go getter and now in such short time she has started managing a team as well.

Now suddenly the company has been taken over by an American giant. They brought in lot of money, new expansion plan. However with this they have their own plan of cost cutting as a well. Under this plan they identified 15 senior and middle level employees as financial load  and would be replaced by less experienced  employees.

Jane has been identified as one of them. It seemed to her an absolutely harsh decision of life. All her colleagues and team members were in discussion of an injustice done to her Jane.

Jane is not able to hear anything. She is only able to hear her inner voice which is asking lot of questions to her.

There are multiple thoughts which come to your mind. It does not wait for your command. They just keep coming one after another. They come as strong inner voice….

All this inner voice is changing all her emotions as well. Suddenly from a confident, strong and fearless professional, she is experiencing a whole lot of new range of emotions like

The day of exit came and  Jane is surrounded by people. All are old colleague and they feel for him. They are showering him with suggestions, techniques, wishes and lots of positivity.  Everybody’s parting lines were ….. ‘Stay positive’.

which are a combination of negative and also positive as she has always been very positive but the load of negative is too high in this condition. In this condition Jane asks herself….…. I need to be positive but how do I do it?

The phrase ‘Stay Positive’ is often used very loosely and in it is unclear to most of us how to practice it especially in our day to day life whether personal and professional.

We are still living in the illusion that if we do some yoga sessions, some meditation session, use ME time, talking positively, feeling happy , then we could stay POSITIVE.

Is it enough?

Do we just need to do so little to be POSITIVE?

With all this can we maintain our emotions and be positive for a long time?